The Calm after the Storm

Over coffee with a friend this morning I reflected on an "anti calm" moment I experienced the day before. This blip arose from a brief tussle with an exceedingly unhelpful waiter.

It was not as though I called him rude names, slapped him across the face or stabbed him in the thigh with my fork (although I confess I think he deserved one or all of those). 

Actually I was quite civilised.

But still, I wondered what I could have done differently: not because I behaved badly but because I felt unsettled.

My helpful friend put things into perspective.

Her view: "If you hadn't said what you needed to say you might have had many more stressful moments from letting yourself be the victim in an unjust situation." 

Aaah yes, the storm after the calm. How often I have bitten my tongue only to find later that a firm statement at the time might have saved me some pain later on? It’s so annoying to reflect on one of these times and think that a few well-chosen, smoothly delivered words might have resolved the situation on the spot.

While working to increase calm moments in my life, I am trying to avoid judging myself harshly if I have a cranky relapse. After all, stress is a chronic recurring dis-ease... 

But I want to be nice! I’d rather not put myself out there and possibly end up in a heated exchange.

This is far short of my Ideal Me who smiles beatifically, while maintaining a smooth brow and a consistent heartbeat. Ideal Me feels no ill towards any being, regardless of their errant behaviour or transgressions.

So, it’s useful to remind myself that I am not Ideal Me and I’m never likely to be.

Striving for an ideal is the enemy of calm.   Speaking up for what I want and need is a fair and reasonable thing to do. So I will practice doing that - calmly and carefully. The trick is to do it with equanimity and know when to walk away. Let’s face it, getting locked in an escalating conflict is mega anti-calm. Actually, conflict is an anti-calm crisis!

Turning the other cheek is often a good option. It can be a loving thing to do and it’s quite an admirable approach. another option is careful action. The Dalai Lama points out that we do not have to stand by and let injustice occur – we can act. But it is recommended we do so with compassion.

So I aim to approach these situations with kindness and try not to inflame things. It helps so much if I can find a polite way of saying what I need to say. And if it feels a bit uncomfortable to speak up, I guess I will have to live with that because conflict can't always be avoided and it isn't always bad - especially if you win :)

Coming from a more consistent base of calm helps to respond to life’s little challenges in a way that reduces conflict, too.

I like how Stephen Hopson reflects on his experience. And he has a few tips at Pick the Brain which is a very useful website.

Useful things are so calming aren’t they?