The Thing about Thinking...

Sleep cut short last night due to a nasty early wake-up by shrill, unwelcome and persistent thoughts - one in particular which I call The Thing.

I tried choosing calm by:
gently thanking my mind for the thought,
letting the thought pass,
labeling the thought as worrying,
brisk walk,
deep breathing,
laughing with the children,
long hot shower (confession: I went well over the 3 minutes today!)
writing down the worrisome things,
cuddling my small dog,
eating Weet Bix with hot milk,
taking action and ticking things off the To Do list (including doing five things I had been dreading and delaying)......

They took the edge off. But really, I wasn't feeling much better. The Stress Reduction Kit (see pic) looked like an option. My head kept getting swamped by The Thing. It loomed over my other thoughts and ideas, casting a long black shadow of doom. If only there was such a thing as a thought eraser.

Then I realised The Thing that was worrying me didn't have to. I looked at it another way. Suddenly I saw that I had built up a massive story of failure, loss, disaster on top of what The Thing is.

The Thing is not great, but it's not that bad either. It's workable. It may even turn out okay. So I can save my catastrophic thinking and feeling for an actual catastrophe.

Feeling free to enjoy the day now....... aaah what a relief.

One thing at a time....

Earlier this year I wrote a list of intentions - which I have since proceeded to largely neglect.
Today I put one of them into practice.
With all of the wonderful communications options at hand, I hardly ever call anyone and have a good old chat. Texts fly back and forth, voicemail proliferates and my emails are voluminous. In all of that, there isn't much in the way of conversation.
So how lovely to spend quite a lot of time on the phone today (the good old fashioned land line that is). Different conversations with family, friends and strangers all providing connection, as well as a chance to slow down and pay attention.
In the spirit of my 'one thing at a time' intention, I did not sit at my laptop and answer emails, or unload the dishwasher, or tidy the house.
Absorbing and savouring the conversation I just sat and talked and, very importantly, listened.


The simple Calm Capsule for today is this...
When I do one thing at a time, I feel calmer. 
Who knew ?!  :)

Calm with Kids

One of the times when I most want to be calm - and least often achieve it - is with my children.
Earlier today I  pondered this as I watched a mother wrangling her toddler at the supermarket checkout .
It was quite cute that she was explaining - at elaborate length and using very big words - what she wanted him to do as though he would a) understand and b) make a logical decision and c) comply.
Clearly he was tired, hungry or thirsty - or all of the above. And he was also two. Obviously she thought her little boy would break with tradition and stop behaving like a two year old. She was being very reasonable to start with. As it became clear that his behaviour was going in the opposite direction to the one she had so patiently and eloquently outlined, she became less patient and waaaay less eloquent.
It is such a luxury to watch other parents in their struggles. As I stood idly reading about the plight of Demi Moore and occasionally tuning in to the stand off between mother and child, I was grateful it wasn't me in her place. (Both in terms of the parent and poor Demi!).
Before I had children I would watch toddler tantrums and wonder why the parents didn't have a better handle on discipline. So lofty, so judgmental, so righteous - so wrong! Then my karma hit, via numerous publicly humiliating losses to my own tantrum-prone toddlers, and I finally got it. These small people have minds of their own and a Napoleon complex.
As a parent I have to bend. And not throw tantrums back at my children. It's not easy. Sometimes it is impossible. But I aim to be a calm parent for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don't want to model shouty behaviour that my kids will - inevitably - imitate. If I join in we all just get louder. It's pointless. It's calm shattering. And it's quite silly to watch.
My children are no longer toddlers but we still have our fractious moments.
So I offer an understanding smile to the mum in the supermarket and give the following advice to myself (since I know she would not have appreciated it!)

TOP TEN CALM CAPSULES WITH KIDS
1. They are only little
2. This will all be over very soon
3. Don't get sucked into their drama - they can shout louder than you and tolerate more public humiliation
4. There's no such thing as a perfect parent - or child! Don't take it personally
5. BREATH. Breath slowly, then breath again.
6. Apologise afterwards if you do blow it; even if you were right that's no excuse for behaving badly
7. Say positive things more than negative things - at a ratio of 5:1 (Google John Gottman)
8. Speak low and use very few words - less is more
9. If all reasoning (and bribery) fails, abandon the errand and quickly go home
10. Reward with chocolate - for you, that is!

Finding a quiet place...

One of my intentions for the Choosing Calm project was to choose a set of exercises that I could perform regularly as part of an ongoing commitment to calm. 

So far, Deep Breathing has been a favourite practice. Coming a close second is the Mindful Walk. 

Sometimes I don't feel like going for a 'real walk' so I just stroll up and down our driveway. That's a fine thing to do.

Birds Land Reserve, Belgrave South

Taking a Mindful Walk in a Peaceful Place is another calming activity - although less so when you are accompanied by a small dog with an urgent need to mark territory every 5 steps, as was the case today. Regardless of the dictatorial dog, I enjoyed my walk. 

When I told Reuben - my son, age 7 - where I was going for my walk he made a great suggestion. "Don't just go around the path. When you get just inside the start there is a little path in the trees and if you go down there you can watch the river." 

So I took his advice. It was nice to stand by the river in the quiet place and listen to the water running over the rocks. Thanks Reuben.

If you are looking for calm, some places make it easier to find it.

Calm Capsules:
1. A calm place makes it easier to choose calm
2. Children have the best ideas for finding small quiet places

The Calm after the Storm

Over coffee with a friend this morning I reflected on an "anti calm" moment I experienced the day before. This blip arose from a brief tussle with an exceedingly unhelpful waiter.

It was not as though I called him rude names, slapped him across the face or stabbed him in the thigh with my fork (although I confess I think he deserved one or all of those). 

Actually I was quite civilised.

But still, I wondered what I could have done differently: not because I behaved badly but because I felt unsettled.

My helpful friend put things into perspective.

Her view: "If you hadn't said what you needed to say you might have had many more stressful moments from letting yourself be the victim in an unjust situation." 

Aaah yes, the storm after the calm. How often I have bitten my tongue only to find later that a firm statement at the time might have saved me some pain later on? It’s so annoying to reflect on one of these times and think that a few well-chosen, smoothly delivered words might have resolved the situation on the spot.

While working to increase calm moments in my life, I am trying to avoid judging myself harshly if I have a cranky relapse. After all, stress is a chronic recurring dis-ease... 

But I want to be nice! I’d rather not put myself out there and possibly end up in a heated exchange.

This is far short of my Ideal Me who smiles beatifically, while maintaining a smooth brow and a consistent heartbeat. Ideal Me feels no ill towards any being, regardless of their errant behaviour or transgressions.

So, it’s useful to remind myself that I am not Ideal Me and I’m never likely to be.

Striving for an ideal is the enemy of calm.   Speaking up for what I want and need is a fair and reasonable thing to do. So I will practice doing that - calmly and carefully. The trick is to do it with equanimity and know when to walk away. Let’s face it, getting locked in an escalating conflict is mega anti-calm. Actually, conflict is an anti-calm crisis!

Turning the other cheek is often a good option. It can be a loving thing to do and it’s quite an admirable approach. another option is careful action. The Dalai Lama points out that we do not have to stand by and let injustice occur – we can act. But it is recommended we do so with compassion.

So I aim to approach these situations with kindness and try not to inflame things. It helps so much if I can find a polite way of saying what I need to say. And if it feels a bit uncomfortable to speak up, I guess I will have to live with that because conflict can't always be avoided and it isn't always bad - especially if you win :)

Coming from a more consistent base of calm helps to respond to life’s little challenges in a way that reduces conflict, too.

I like how Stephen Hopson reflects on his experience. And he has a few tips at Pick the Brain which is a very useful website.

Useful things are so calming aren’t they?

Would you rather be fighting a lion?

Are we stressed in today's society? Of course we are. But the important thing to remember is that all animals, including ourselves, are confronted with innumerable types of stress and always have been. We should ignore the incessant mantra of ours being the Age of Stress and put things in a more historical and evolutionary perspective.

Given the choice, who wouldn't prefer the aggravation of two working parents getting their kids off to day care or school on time to the dread of being eaten in one's sleep by a lion? Psychology Today

Conversations with other people over the past few days have provided some crystal clear insights for me. Some of which have been uncomfortable - which helps motivate me to change! Put simply, I've been reminded of my own good fortune. This has put my stuff into perspective. My complaints and issues have been returned to their right size.

Not only do I live in an age and time that is easier - in so many respects - than any other point in history but I also live in a country and at a standard that is incredibly privileged. 

Largely through my own doing, life can get hectic. This is most often because I choose to do too much. Why? Lots of reasons...  Because I am addicted to busy-ness. Because I want more. Because I want to look good. Because I don't consciously choose to think about how I spend my time. Because I say yes when I need to say no..... 

So, in addition to getting real and recognising that my life is blessed, from an evolutionary and historical point of view as well as from a personal perspective, I can also take responsibility and reduce the stress that is causing me pain. It is by virtue of the fact I live at this point in history and evolution that I have so many choices. I can choose how busy I want to be. That's worth remembering.

"You are a free person and you can choose how busy you want to be. Freely choosing to resist the urge to busy-ness is the frame of mind you need before you can take any steps towards finding sanctuary."  

Christopher Jamison, Abbott of Worth Finding Sanctuary Monastic Steps for Everyday Life page 17

Calm Capsules - mental notes to self:

1. Lucky I don't have to fight any lions today.

2. Resist the urge to busy-ness.

Making a business case for mindfulness

Making a business case for mindfulness

Fabulous site, great post.
The gist: More awareness, less busy-ness increases productivity.

Noticing Nice - with thanks to Kurt Vonnegut

I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

"Knowing What's Nice", an essay from In These Times (2003)

This quote startled me the first time I came across it and it always serves to wake me up. I often say it and feel the benefits of the additional awareness and the pause that it creates for me.

But the first time I tried it,  I thought I had jinxed us! 

It was a perfect autumn day, a Sunday morning and I was out for a walk with my husband and son. Our boy Reuben was keen to ride his scooter so we went down to a park where there is a basketball court perfect for some scooting. 

With the sun warming my face I sat and watched Reuben scooting figure 8’s while Neil threw the ball for our dog.  It was good at that point but it was about to get great… I peeled my mandarin. Then I ate a segment.

This was no ordinary mandarin. This was a Fantastic Mandarin. As I sat and savoured its tangy sweetness, together with the crisp clean air, the warming sun, the spaciousness and peace of the moment, I just had to invoke the spirit of Mr Vonnegut.

So I called out to Neil, “Well, if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is!” 

We embraced the moment.  It was all it could be. Aaaaaaaah.

And then. 

A piercing, seemingly endless scream shattered the peace. Casting aside my mandarin I ran to the crumpled boy who was hollering against the pain – and hurling fury at the damn stick that brought his scooter down.  

Again his head was bleeding. Shortly afterwards we were being whisked through casualty where we spent the rest of the day. That was not nice.

But don’t let this deter you.

In the style of Mr Vonnegut, I have noticed nice on many occasions. And it really works. 

Try it. You’ll like it. It is nice. And calming!

Salad Days - Eating for Calm

A wonderful insight today : the way I eat is often anti-calm. 

Whether I am working at home, on site with a client or facilitating a training session I tend to eat with one hand while continuing to work holding a document or typing with the other hand. My mind is not on my food, it is on my work.

Often I eat poorly - grabbing a quick snack instead of a decent midday meal. Lunch is such an important meal. I'd rather eat well during the day and very lightly at night. That just seems to be good common sense. Plus I am sure it is calming.

Breakfast is important too and frequently I don't get that happening until a couple of hours after I get up. 

There is absolutely no question that low blood sugar is a major enemy of calm. Stress hormones are triggered and it can take a while to notice. Then we tend to grab a sugar hit which makes things better for the short term but much worse for the longer term.
The Oprah site has a great summary of how to eat for good moods.

Eating well and eating often are calm promoters for me.

Lisa from Emerald made this similar salad

So, today I made a great salad that I love making and eating (a rare combination for me, I am no candidate for Masterchef!). Better yet I sat down to eat it at the dining table without work documents or a laptop in front of me and I noticed what I was eating. It was yummy. I feel so recharged now.

Easy peasy recipe. Make a cup of cous cous as per directions on pack. Take a cup of well-rinsed vegies cut up tiny - I use green beans, broccoli, and beetroot but you can also use zucchini, cauliflower, peas, carrots. Steam them and keep them crisp not mushy. Cut up half a cup of dried cranberries and raisins. Take a handful of pine nuts and toast them lightly in a fry pan to a light golden brown. Take care: Once they get cooking they burn very fast.
Put it all in a bowl and toss lightly. I love to mix in herbs and for this recipe my recommendation is fresh coriander. You may like to use parsley - the milder flat leaf may work best? Some people like a dressing - maybe a little olive oil and a splash of lemon... If you prefer, replace the pine nuts with macadamia or pecan nuts. Up to you :) 


Calm Coaching Tips: 

1. Sit down and just Eat. 
2. Do not eat at a desk or when driving/walking or multi-tasking with any other activity. 
3. Notice the flavour, aroma and texture. 
4. Chew your food well and slowly - this will help calm your digestive tract! 
5. Eat less food of better quality.

Deep Breathing - creates calm and clarity

One of the daily practices for my Choosing Calm project is deep breathing. Until recently I had no idea how my life could change simply as a result of being conscious with my breathing.

It's fantastic - simple, transportable and free (as well as freeing). 

For the traffic snarl or the interruption of sleep by your busy mind, turning to deep breathing can be a life saver. But don't just save it for the difficult moments, use it to enhance the good times as well.  

I'm leaving little reminders to make sure I focus on deep breathing several times a day and I can really feel the difference.

My guru in this has been Dr Andrew Weil who wrote Optimal Health which is a great book - more on this later.

Here is his very useful guide to some essential breathing exercises....

Three Breathing Exercises

"Practicing regular, mindful breathing can be calming and energizing and can even help with stress-related health problems ranging from panic attacks to digestive disorders."
Andrew Weil, M.D.
Since breathing is something we can control and regulate, it is a useful tool for achieving a relaxed and clear state of mind. I recommend three breathing exercises to help relax and reduce stress: The Stimulating Breath, The 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise (also called the Relaxing Breath), and Breath Counting. Try each and see how they affect your stress and anxiety levels.
Exercise 1:
The Stimulating Breath (also called the Bellows Breath)
The Stimulating Breath is adapted from a yogic breathing technique. Its aim is to raise vital energy and increase alertness.

Could Calm be Contagious?

In the recent series Making Australia Happy there was some discussion about how we can catch a mood - or pass one on. In fact their website even has a Happiness Map.And you can find out more about these kinds of projects under the Happy Planet Index. 

I'm going to ask myself: "What mood do I want to pass on?" I noticed today as I drove in peak hour traffic in Melbourne that I was cranky about someone cutting in - but then I realised I could choose not to be. So I did. Nice :)

The University of Cambridge has this great article about mood mapping across geographies.... It makes me wonder.... can we create States of Serenity, Precincts of Peace, Neighbourhoods of Niceness, what about entire Countries of Calm? Yes! It appears we can. Let's try it.

Mapping personality types across countries ....

Ongoing research by Dr Jason Rentfrow, at the Department of Social and Developmental Psychology, and Dr Sam Gosling, at the University of Texas, aims to examine geographic variation in personality. In a large-scale project partially funded by the US National Science Foundation (NSF), data collected by online survey from over three-quarters of a million individuals in the USA revealed that personalities are not randomly distributed but are clustered into distinct geographic patterns.

The Elephant in the Room

Aaaah the calm that comes from not acting or reacting....

Instead of creating unease in my life, acting out of blind compulsion, I can find peace by looking at my motivations. Instead of reacting I can ask: Why am I reacting this way? Instead of doing, I can ask: Why am I doing this? Observing. Reflecting. Being still. It is not easy but I am learning that non-action can be very satisfying. Not buying that thing. Not rushing ahead. Not jumping to that conclusion.
Often it seems like I have been here before... it's the traffic thing, it's the dishes thing, it's the queue thing. Same old, same old.
How can it be that I have so many problems coming from the same place yet I haven't stopped to think about the source? This article from Michael Formica on the Integral Options site is a great insight into how we can find the source of many of our issues. especially like this this section of the article...
If we find ourselves consistently confronted by the same circumstance - money issues, or destructive relationships, or the inability to hold onto a job - instead of saying, "Oh, look, it happened again.", we might be better served by stepping back from the situation and asking, "How'd that happen again?".

Think Calm, Be Calm

Some of the ways I think about my life can work against my state of calm.
Being calm makes me feel rested, happy, more in tune with others - so if I make little decisions in each hour of each day that take me towards calm then my whole life will be  changed by all those little decisions creating a big difference.
To be practical - as I always try to be :) - here are some attitudes or practices that we can cultivate to attain greater calm.
Workshop participants with Ed and Deb Shapiro helped create this list of how to be happier and enjoy our lives.
1. Not to take yourself too seriously. At times of hardship, such as loss or illness, we can easily lose our humor, and even more easily get very involved with the negative aspects of what is happening. We become the center of our universe. Remembering not to take ourselves too seriously brings a lightness and ease to the weight of circumstance around us. Remember--angels can fly because they take themselves lightly!
2. Not to identify with suffering, loss, or illness, as being who you are. Many of our participants realized how they were identifying themselves as a cancer survivor / widow / recovering addict, or whatever it may be, but had not asked themselves who they were without that label or identity. When we do not identify with the negative label, then the positive sense of who we are has a chance to emerge and shine.

Serenity Now!

This cartoon is from http://www.savagechickens.com/
Pretty much sums it up for me. Being preoccupied with getting something is that it often remains out of reach. Calm seems to me to be like a timid creature (or a poorly trained dog like the one I live with) the more you run after it the more elusive it becomes. So I'm starting this project with an approach that is quiet and still. The hope is that calm will come and sit in my lap. I've set the intention and I'm also taking action but maybe I will have more success if I start by realising that calm is probably going to be a visitor rather than a constant presence. Softly, softly.