Choosing what matters

Feeling stressed? Just thinking about the fact that a clash in what we now call "personal values" and my own actions can result in lots of pain - leading to stress, which is the opposite of calm.
This is stating the obvious I know. But how often do I get to this point and then remind myself of the fact that it is indeed the obvious that I have overlooked. Again.
At least I can take a shortcut through the questions I could ask myself about what might be wrong and go straight to the question "Am I doing what matters?"

Over lunch recently a friend outlined her guilt and how it turns up when she is working and not spending time with her son, but it turns up again when she is with her son because she thinks she 'ought' to be working. That's a no win situation.
My difficulty is a little different. I tend to get caught up in the feeling that I am not getting enough done or that the quality of what I am doing is not good enough. The easy way to break this circuit is to stop doing anything. Break it up by doing something else. Then write a list of what has to be done. Ask: what is really important? What needs to happen? What really matters? Then decide on the top 3 and then cross of number three. That leaves 2 things to do. Put them in order, do them, try to do them well and then let it go.
Either way, for my friend's dilemma and my own, a little bit of time in the sandpit is a great idea!
The takeout is: A calm life comes from doing what matters.
ps To my friend I send a gentle reminder that nobody lies on their death bed wishing they spent more time at the office. Kids count. They are with us for a very short time, make it special, pay attention, don't miss the experience of being a parent.

Christmas Calm - Santa Sanity

Okay, so Christmas isn't the most calming time of the year, but there are a few things that can help to minimise the stress. 

I'm going to make this brief because I need to take time out to relax!

The big pressure points are money and time.

Let's start with MONEY. A few golden rules: 

** Stick to a budget. It's easy to get carried away when you get out there in the Christmas scrum.

** Agree to Kris Kringle in your family or friendship group so each person only buys a present for one other person. My family does this by putting the names in a hat and drawing who you buy for. We set a dollar limit and it works. Each person gets a gift and it is something they want and we don't all have to go out and buy tons of stuff for each other. Such a relief. Brilliant!

**  Buy stuff in sales through the year and stash it away. 

Christine Cashen - captures how some of us feel at Christmas!

** Don't upgrade or get sidetracked with extra functions/features. For example my husband wanted a dock for his i-gadget. I found a good one and then got side tracked and ended up looking at multi function centres with much, much bigger price tags. Then I remembered "What am I here for?" He wanted a dock so he could amplify his music. I got a basic model with good sound for a sensible price. Done.

** Forget about what other people are getting. Most of the time they just have bigger credit card debt, it doesn't mean they have a better life than you do or happier kids!

** Condition the kids beforehand so they have reasonable expectations. If they make a list, work with them to keep it realistic so the Christmas day isn't ruined by a major disappointment.

And how about TIME?

** Make the food simple. In my family we each contribute to the banquet. It's easier than one person doing it all each year. Nobody ends up exhausted and everyone likes the food.

** Think about splitting Christmas day into two. We stay home Christmas Day and the kids open their presents in a relaxed way. It is a lovely quiet day that lets them appreciate their gifts and allows us all to relax after an early start. Then we go for family Christmas on Boxing Day. Lovely. This business of overloading the schedule, families rushing around all corners of the state to see other parts of the family, kids being dragged about with exhausted parents.... what's it all for?

** Shop when nobody else is shopping and try to shop where nobody else is shopping. The big shopping centres are often very stressful - no parking, lots of queues, too many options. Shop local and support the family traders in your community. If you do have to visit major shopping centres (and it is hard to avoid, I know) - get in early, get out fast, stay focused.

** Do not go shopping with friends. It is usually best to shop alone.

Remember to eat before you shop. Make sure you have a list. Stick to the budget. Only buy what you need.

Let's re-engineer our Christmas for greater calm.

Wishing you a peaceful and serene festive season. XX

Cash - The Calm Killer?

With a world economy that is the antithesis of calm, I'm thinking of cash on the macro and the micro levels. Recently I have been waking in the wee small hours with a spreadsheet in my head.

Rather than counting sheep I'm crunching numbers. 

Silly thing is, no amount of thinking is making any difference. I just don't seem to do my best thinking at 4am. Like Sarah Jessica Parker's character in I Don't Know How She Does It (great concept, dreadful film) I'm alert and alarmed, making lists for all the different areas of my life. This is a reflection of stress and of having waaay too much to do. 

It is also attachment to things that are impermanent. And what is less permanent than money?  My experience is: money comes in, money goes out...

Gradually, with mindfulness practice and breathing exercises these alarming anti-sleep experiences are abating. But I am interested in my relationship to money and our whole society's dependence on the stuff. We know that money doesn't equal happiness.  But still we rush after it. Without doubt we know that debt is a calm killer - look how real estate and shares fluctuate due to the mass panic waves of the punters. These phenomena are great illustrations of a new health issue I've christened CDD Calm-Deficit Disorder and it's an epidemic.

In the spirit of the Choosing Calm project, I am looking to any source or text that seems to provide good ideas on how to live well in this world, at this time. On this cash vs. calm topic I have turned to Chief Rabbi Lord Sacks for his wisdom on wealth. 

The best commentary on all this was given by Moses in the book of Deuteronomy. He is addressing the next generation, the children of those who had been liberated from slavery. He tells them, surprisingly, that the real trial is not poverty but affluence. Affluence dulls the senses. It makes you forget where you came from. You start taking prosperity for granted, not realising how vulnerable it is. Bad things begin to happen. Inequalities grow. The social bond becomes weak. The nation forgets who it is and why.

 

Moses therefore restates a series of commands designed to teach the Israelites how to control their impulses and safeguard the future. Rest every seventh day. Cancel debts every seventh year. Place spiritual, not material, values at the heart of society. Fight poverty. Pursue justice. Treat employees decently. Care for the widow, the orphan and the stranger. Ensure that everyone has dignity. Deuteronomy is not about short term growth but about long term sustainability.

Sane and simple. Let's take the Moses Model as our new international monetary model!

Critical or Calm?

There's an old expression - "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?". 

Something similar can be asked in regard to the practice of calm. 

When I criticise people, places or things, I do find that it can lead to agitation. Especially if I verbalise this to others - and even more so if the criticism is about them! In conversation with a friend today, we talked about how easy it is to turn our criticism on others when we might actually need to be looking more closely at ourselves.

This reminded me of a great little card handed out by 12 Step Programs like AA. People can keep these in their pockets as a reminder of how they can stay spiritually on track - one day at a time. This is one of my favourite lines from that "Just For Today" card:

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Being courteous and avoiding criticism are two things you can do to choose calm today. Trying to change anyone but yourself is such an anti-calm thing to do! If you have nothing nice to say try saying nothing or, better still, find something nice or positive to say if you can. It trains your brain to run along a different track, creating more positive thoughts, energy and acceptance.

When people feel less judged and more accepted you'll probably find they're calmer around you too. Again, it is clear to see that calm is contagious. So, let's spread it!


I'm going to try it now:

Thanks for reading and by the way you look fabulous today :)

The Thing about Thinking...

Sleep cut short last night due to a nasty early wake-up by shrill, unwelcome and persistent thoughts - one in particular which I call The Thing.

I tried choosing calm by:
gently thanking my mind for the thought,
letting the thought pass,
labeling the thought as worrying,
brisk walk,
deep breathing,
laughing with the children,
long hot shower (confession: I went well over the 3 minutes today!)
writing down the worrisome things,
cuddling my small dog,
eating Weet Bix with hot milk,
taking action and ticking things off the To Do list (including doing five things I had been dreading and delaying)......

They took the edge off. But really, I wasn't feeling much better. The Stress Reduction Kit (see pic) looked like an option. My head kept getting swamped by The Thing. It loomed over my other thoughts and ideas, casting a long black shadow of doom. If only there was such a thing as a thought eraser.

Then I realised The Thing that was worrying me didn't have to. I looked at it another way. Suddenly I saw that I had built up a massive story of failure, loss, disaster on top of what The Thing is.

The Thing is not great, but it's not that bad either. It's workable. It may even turn out okay. So I can save my catastrophic thinking and feeling for an actual catastrophe.

Feeling free to enjoy the day now....... aaah what a relief.

One thing at a time....

Earlier this year I wrote a list of intentions - which I have since proceeded to largely neglect.
Today I put one of them into practice.
With all of the wonderful communications options at hand, I hardly ever call anyone and have a good old chat. Texts fly back and forth, voicemail proliferates and my emails are voluminous. In all of that, there isn't much in the way of conversation.
So how lovely to spend quite a lot of time on the phone today (the good old fashioned land line that is). Different conversations with family, friends and strangers all providing connection, as well as a chance to slow down and pay attention.
In the spirit of my 'one thing at a time' intention, I did not sit at my laptop and answer emails, or unload the dishwasher, or tidy the house.
Absorbing and savouring the conversation I just sat and talked and, very importantly, listened.


The simple Calm Capsule for today is this...
When I do one thing at a time, I feel calmer. 
Who knew ?!  :)

Calm with Kids

One of the times when I most want to be calm - and least often achieve it - is with my children.
Earlier today I  pondered this as I watched a mother wrangling her toddler at the supermarket checkout .
It was quite cute that she was explaining - at elaborate length and using very big words - what she wanted him to do as though he would a) understand and b) make a logical decision and c) comply.
Clearly he was tired, hungry or thirsty - or all of the above. And he was also two. Obviously she thought her little boy would break with tradition and stop behaving like a two year old. She was being very reasonable to start with. As it became clear that his behaviour was going in the opposite direction to the one she had so patiently and eloquently outlined, she became less patient and waaaay less eloquent.
It is such a luxury to watch other parents in their struggles. As I stood idly reading about the plight of Demi Moore and occasionally tuning in to the stand off between mother and child, I was grateful it wasn't me in her place. (Both in terms of the parent and poor Demi!).
Before I had children I would watch toddler tantrums and wonder why the parents didn't have a better handle on discipline. So lofty, so judgmental, so righteous - so wrong! Then my karma hit, via numerous publicly humiliating losses to my own tantrum-prone toddlers, and I finally got it. These small people have minds of their own and a Napoleon complex.
As a parent I have to bend. And not throw tantrums back at my children. It's not easy. Sometimes it is impossible. But I aim to be a calm parent for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don't want to model shouty behaviour that my kids will - inevitably - imitate. If I join in we all just get louder. It's pointless. It's calm shattering. And it's quite silly to watch.
My children are no longer toddlers but we still have our fractious moments.
So I offer an understanding smile to the mum in the supermarket and give the following advice to myself (since I know she would not have appreciated it!)

TOP TEN CALM CAPSULES WITH KIDS
1. They are only little
2. This will all be over very soon
3. Don't get sucked into their drama - they can shout louder than you and tolerate more public humiliation
4. There's no such thing as a perfect parent - or child! Don't take it personally
5. BREATH. Breath slowly, then breath again.
6. Apologise afterwards if you do blow it; even if you were right that's no excuse for behaving badly
7. Say positive things more than negative things - at a ratio of 5:1 (Google John Gottman)
8. Speak low and use very few words - less is more
9. If all reasoning (and bribery) fails, abandon the errand and quickly go home
10. Reward with chocolate - for you, that is!